quality time

It's finally over !
Another long tiring but nevertheless pleasant week passed by and joined my past . I spent the week , for the most part , in Tehran and this in itself could give me a break and I had plenty of time to mess about and socialize , in fact I had some time to break out of my work shell and spend some quality time with my friends.
I could do one thing which pleased me the most and that was allocating time to people helping them out rather than sorting out a pile of stuff to do and race against the clock . I think I like this pleasingly slow pace of life more although I have always been one who bites more than he can chew and then ends up helplessly running around unable to do half as much as he expected.
This , helping others, is where I believe life begins to derive meaning and beauty mysteriously creeps into your otherwise dull and ordinary life .
Take care of others , the universe takes care of you ( I call it the golden rule of the universe ) even if it doesn't , the good feeling you have been able to obtain through these interactions with others is itself enough to brighten up your life . Those who say this doesn't work might have never tried being nice to othres and are jumping to a hasty irrational conclussion in this regard .
Any way , one of my friends who is tearing himself apart to learn English and thus calls on me frequently was talking to me about his life changes and the way he's spending all his time on English . I was amazed at his perseverence and shocked at his attitude towards doing things .
He had broken up with his dearly loved girl friend of three years , locked himself in and even saw English dreams while sleeping .
I do generally approve of getting your teeth into something if you really mean to acheive it but I object to having to change your whole life plan to such an extent as I believes you'll do very little more than you would otherwise get around to. More importantly , if you forgo everything in your life to acheive one single thing I'm sure in most cases in the end you'll come to understand it wasn't worth it .
I am a man of " so many tasks at a time " and people always ask me how I can get to do them all . There is one secret to it , and that's that good things come up in bad times ; it's only when people are put under immense pressure that they start to think life could be different.

good luck

take it easy , it'll go easy on you

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away .

I know you might have heard this sentence before but it's even worth hearing ten more times.

wish you agood day ,

Do not please forget that life is as beautiful as it's beenin the most beutiful moments of your life _ close your eyes and vissualize them _ if you think it's any less beautiful , think again ; it might be your problem cause it's the same old world.

The moment you stop dreaming , your nightmares start

How does love work?

The question discussed here has haunted human beings for millenia and has never been provided with a convincing enough response Today I would like to dig into the philosophy of the intense passion named love since I believe my hard-earned experiences and my deliberations have put me where I can have a very overall view of this human unsolved mystery . Ofcourse my individual understanding might still not be mature enough but the material presented here is to the best of my today knowledge yet may not be confirmed tommorow as I believe I still have a lot to learn.
To start with , love is created when there is a disparity of feelings , in other words the feeling of love comes into being when there exists an inequality and imbalance between the feelings of two individuals in the background of a close relationship in the sense that the one whose interest outweighs the other is the one who gets involved with this deep passion or falls in love so to speak .
Human beings generally tend to get away from those who love’em , which is quite normal for every one which makes love elussive ; you would most probably lose interest in someone who cherishes you as you view yourself in a better bargaining position than to stay in that relationship. Even if you don't end the relationship these negative thoughts start creeping into your mind.
“So why do relationships start? “One might wonder . Love is a different story and usually a secondary thing to a relationship as I don’t name the “beginning of relation ship" excitement love , it's more of testing the waters eventhough you get some of the symptoms of love such as heartbeat and so on .
Love , in the sense discussed here , is usually accompanied by a fear of loss and obsession and could therefore only happen when a relationship has started , no matter in what quality of course . Thus , people are first drawn to each other because of certain qualities but then come to fall in love if they don’t feel loved enough. This is starting a losing battle . However , there are times when this imbalance is reversed in favor of the previously loving partner as a result of some incidents which could lead to an emotional loss on the part of the new lover , I mean sometimes being loved lures you to fall in love and then your partner might all of a sudden lose interest in you as you have become an easily accessible and seemingly worthless pathetic lover.
In this sense it’s impossible for two people to be both truly in love , of course save for exceptionally rare circumstances which will be disciussed later , because the one in love is in fact the UNLOVED partner. Most people are incapable of withstanding love as once you are loved you start thinking of yourself as better than the one who loves you . This could distance you from this relationship because you are given the impression that your potentials are too good for your partner.
If this rule applies to every human being then it would be impossible for anyone to be loved back. Yet it shouldn’t be true which is all because there are people who have rached a level in understanding where they appreciate love.
Love needs a certain degree of perfection which most people are devoid of ; Only few people get to the point where they understand how precious love is and how great is a person who can forget himself and be in love . A person with this understanding starts loving back rather than get away from love if he's ever lucky enough to have the mentioned imbalance in his/her favor .

Dating

These days I have turned into a known dating counselor both at university and among my friends to such an extent that I will be the first , people would choose to go to if anything goes wrong in their relationship or they suddenly find themselves in love with some one . All it takes is a talk and they normally have their loved ones beside them.
Throughout this time I have come to the conclusion that what I used to consider common knowledge is for most people very difficult to understand for instance most people still have problems identifying interest of others in themselves or feel uncertain about how a smile , for example , should be interpreted , thus I will share my unbiased insights into how relationships work here on my internet page so that more and more people can manage successful relationships. I will be glad if you consider me trustworthy enough and confide your problems in me and I will do my best to show you the right path.
However , I have to admit that earning this knowledge has cost me many good relationships and I , like anyone else have had very unsuccessful relationships too , but now my knowledge is ripe enough to be practically applied to a relationship .
You'll hear soon on how you can make others love you.
Nima

dreams

All people are simillar in the sense that they can fulfill whatever dreams they have , the difference , however , lies in how big their dreams are and how much they want to see their dreams come true.

leaving yourself behind

People leave many things behind in diffrent places . pretty natural ,
It's happened to me alot , I suddenly find out I don't have say my cellphone with me , and then in some ," to me" long seconds it turns out I have left it some where. There seems to be no stopping me when it comes to leaving things behind .
Some times people leave their beliefs behind , sometimes their faith or their feelings yet never come to discover they are missing something until a thing goes wrong in their lives . What I really can't afford to leave behind is my old self's identity and my memories which tell me who I have been and how I became who I am ( It's one thing , I believe , no one should forget )
Any way , today I felt stupid when I remembered at home at 11:30 that I had left my car behind at my workplace . Poor dady had to get dressed to go take it home . All the more embaressing for me is that it's 12:10 and he's not still arrived. "how stupid can someone get?" I ask my self.

NoThInGnEsS

Nothingness

You'll hear more from me on NOTHINGNESS

take off your tinted glasses

I can't believe I finally found some time to write , I have been meaning to write but It's a fact that time limitations can make you forgo your most burning passions and interests.

Any way , As a blog writer I think It's very unfair to do little more than repeating what others have been saying for long and complain about the meaningless and boring rhythem of the routine like evey-day flow of life because life is marvelous , more beautiful than ever , all one needs to do is to take off their tinted glasses of pessimism to once look at the world around the way it looks.

Believe it or not , it's only a while since I have realized that it's just a question of time before you see the embodyment of your dreams in your life , It's happening to me big time and I am more than amazed , yet it's very easy to get frustrated.

The past 20 months of my life bear witness to this claim , I will even take it furthur to conclude: " You only need to wish and then the universe particles go hand in hand to help things fall into place " You and I only need to weant things strongly enough.

I used to be among the most disobedient of people to the universe but had , at a point , no way but to surrender to the magical beauty of the world . I currently have multiple tasks underway , each of which take me a considerable amount of time , but I can't persuade myself to doubt what I am doing for a second . No matter how insane it sounds I have complete faith in success . There is literally no more a word like impossible present in my vocabulary .

I feel I have to thank God , if there is one and if he is responsible for what goes on in the universe , as I even never expected this much from God.

And thank you people for living in this wonderfull world with me

فروغ

می خواستم بنویسم

حرفی برای گفتن نبود

شعری نوشتم از فروغ فرخ زاد

رمیده از کتاب اسیرـ فروغ 18 ساله بود که این کتاب رو چاپ کرد

رمیده

نمی دانم چه می خواهم خدایا

به دنبال چه می گردم شب و روز

چه می جوید نگاه خسته من

چرا افسرده است این قلب پرسوز

زجمع آشنایان می گریزم

به کنجی می خزم آرام و خاموش

نگاهم غوطه ور در تیره گی ها

به بیمار دل خود می دهم گوش

گریزانم از این مردم که بامن

به ظاهر همدم و یکرنگ هستند

ولی در باطن از فرط حقارت

به دامانم دو صد پیرایه بستند

از این مردم که تا شعرم شنیدند

به رویم چون گلی خوشبو شگفتند

ولی آن دم که در خلوت نشستند

مرا دیوانه ای بد نام گفتند

دل من ای دل دیوانه ی من

که می سوزی از این بیگانگی ها

مکن دیگر ز دست غیر فریاد

خدا را بس کن این دیوانگی هی

What I feel

I first have to appologize for not allowing the comments to be publicly displayed , indeed I read them all . However, I prefer to see them myself and not share them on the web.


Tonight a deafening silence prevails over my uncannily calm surroundings , it's me and me myself ready for another honest heart to heart . It's one of those days I feel real good about myself , browsing through the book of my dones and undones over the last week I give my self the permission to smile , It's been a good week .
I feel the weight of all I need to do on my back as I walk toward the gloomy thick fog of tommorow , I sometimes need to close my eye , I seem to have to pinch myself , a distracting pinch, while I wave my hands in the air to get rid of the thick density of vapor so that I can make out what goes on infront of me.
Shall I continue to see ? I feel very bad being surrounded by a huge load of ignorance , meaningless prejudice and a disgustingly stinking God who smells like stupid people's premature imaginations. I am sorry to be outnumbered by disillussioned people who can't talk about themselves any more than some sentences and still they are not what they say. I wish people could wake up and give this nightmare a good bye kiss.


At the same time it's unfair to take angels for granted.

An ocean of misery

I was sorry to see these pics
I was moved to tears
You check this out too and test how hard hearted you are not to shed tears
Check it http://floppy98.blogspot.com/2008/05/blog-post.html

faith

It was no more than some years ago when I did not believe in a thing other than my own self . Now things are very different ; there is not a single second of my life which goes by witout my reapreciating God even for all the hard moments I have had . It means alot to me when I am faced with a mountain of sadness which later on turns out to be nothing but God's gift.
Blessings in disguise have so frequently been around me that I have real meaningful faith in his unconditional love for me . It's pleasant to know someone loves you immeasurably and still more pleasant to discover that he is the one in charge.

I am sorry to tell the truth

I wish there was a God who could embody in something physical so that I could embrace him passionately , kiss him and thank him for all his unfairness , injustice , discriminatory behavior , inequality , toughtlessness and cruelty.
How much more will I bear to watch the least justifiable things occur around me and not utter a word ? I hope some thing will happen to change my mindset as with what I have in mind at the moment of writing nothing but an illogically cold ambivelace accompanies me when I talk to God.
Sunday night when I thought everything was ready to create an ever lasting memory of joy in my mind what I feared most happened . I was back to the dorm at 10 , not many minutes had passed before some one came to inform us that my room mate wasn't well . The elastically long moments of that night started from then on with our rush to the bathroonm where he had had a nervous attack and was thrown motionless. I don't remember much but my running to call the ambulance and my understanding that there was not one available and my friend's deafenning shrieks of pain piercing my soul since he was suffering from injuries in many parts of his body . long hours in the hospital followed with my having a wonder in mind "why should this happen to one who never hurts any one ?"
To our surprise the hospital did not even have one single moveable bed in its emergency room so we had to wrap him in a blanket which caused enormous discomfort for his burnt body . There were six other girls and boys from Beheshty university dormitory most of whom had food poisoning , I bet after eating the dornitory food.
People shouting , sight of bood and a hunky young doctor running around like a headless chiken , the hospital , Taleghani hospital in Tehran ,was evidently short-staffed . I could see people who were about to die helplessly crying for help while the elaborate yet absurd religous slogans painted tastefully on the walls could not come to their help. It turned out that my friend had not taken his pills which was only because he had not had enough money to provide them.
The first scene of God's play of injustice lasted until three o'clock . At eight university officials came to evict my newly recovered friend since he had not paid his dormitory bill.
Even worst was to follow for Masood , whose kindness is immeasurable and whose heart is big enough to accomodate aworld . On Monday I had to leave Tehran ; being dreadfully worried I called my other friend on the train to find out Msood's body had been discovered unconcious somewhere in Tehran and was in another hospital .

A little slice of my life

If you open the book of my life , you stand little chance of accidently turning to this page so I browse through the book and start reading you this chapter which is charectrised by the commencement of my social life ; I mean the very first time I came into some natural contact with people who did not bear any blood ties with me . I guess I was 5 years old when I was decided to be taken to kindergarton , what was fortunate was that it was in the same building where my brother was doing his pre-school year. I remember giving all teachers a hell by wanting to be stuck to my bro despite being in a different class. The days typically started with my mum pulling me out of the back seat legroom of the car ,my hideaway , with the aid of teachers and the school receptionist while I kept screaming as loud as I could resembling a lamb which was being taken to be slaughtered . It continued with my crying for some hours begging to be in my bro's class until I had the teachers giving in , and ultimately some one came to collect us both.
At home my brother who had for years been an enemy of mine was starting to develop an emotional relationship with me , yet we still frequently fought . Whenever I think of my then self now I unexeptionaly come to understand I was an anti-social idiot. My pre-school year wasm't that bad , I was for the first time making friends , I was then a quiet goody goody who never did anything troublesome save for once , it was a night when I almost got run over by a police car , as a result of which I recieved a slap on my face from my my grand dad who was then strong enough to punish a 5 year old grandchild. In response to people's interogation as to why I had sudenly run in the middle of the sreet , I responded with childlike simplicity and innocence " I wanted to see what the bottom of the car looked like" . Years went by as quickly as they do these days till I was old enough to go to school which as everybody expected didn't get off to a smooth start . A crying boy who wouldn't consent to staying in the class without his mum. What struck me was how other students had been duped into comming to the class alone . The first time I saw my teacher I kicked her . However, It wasn't long before I had a liking for her , a plumb ever smiling middle aged woman.
I was never a good student at school . I never listened well in the classes , and I never got the attention I was starving for in enough quantity , which helped me grow bigger and stronger as I came to find out that I had to fight for attention , I had to be the best .
I was then incapable of achieving this goal but harbored the desire for many more years till I could in fact be the best , no fewer than 12 years after.I was always waiting to grow up to display my abilities since as a child I knew being good was out of reach for achild of my type .
I am sleepy now I'll continue from this point on later

wHAT IS CONSCIENCE?

Conscience _ Sounds familiar to you, doesn’t it?
Must have heard it somewhere
Don’t bother to think too much ; it’s what sends that frustrating dose of guilt straight to your mind to make you believe “ YOU ARE BAD” , what you need to struggle with for hours to be able to get some sound sleep at night , what drives you mad and leaves you with gloomy remorse. Why do we get conscience striken?
It is not the thing we do which is inherently bad that makes us feel guilty , but it’s the badness and negativity we attatch to it personally , as a result of this , I believe , the frequency of having a guilty conscience depends little on how good or bad you are , yet tells a lot about how vast a domain badness is in your mind. Therefore , people who feel bound by certain imposed principles (like a religion ) are far more likely to feel guilty since their logic , which is not self created , leads them to refrain from doing many things they have the need for. Not being successful to meet these demanding requirements they end up feeling bad about themselves. The more religious a person is , and of course the more devotely religious he is , the wider will the scope of badness be defined for him consequently the more the chance of a conflict to occur between the real life and his ideal and , in turn , the more likely a guilty conscience will be.
Take , for example, a deeply religious man who will feel guilty several times during the day cause he does simple acts ,however insignificant, which he thinks of as against his religion.
According to phsychologists , this is a very destructive feeling which leaves long lasting scratches on your mentality , in other words it heavily damages your sense of self respect as you won’t respect a you whom you believe does not live up to standards.
I don’t remember ever having this feeling of remorse and guilt . Does this mean I never do anything bad? _yes it does . What allows me to make this claim is the loose defintion of the term bad . What is bad ? I have tried to restrict the teritory of badness to entail no more than some inherently bad things which I could never imagine my self doing . this way I never do anything for which I should feel guilty and I do conciously effort not to do what I really term bad . There is nothing more comforting than having a clear conscience and it also contributes effectively to your mental well being.
So it will be helpful if you write your own religion and moral rules , and try to be good within the specified framework .for doing so you need to write the few things you consider bad and name it the red zone , the rest is the free zone which you can visit without being bad . you can now experience how it feels to be an angel without your life turning into a hell , you can enjoy yourself and not feel bad . most importantly you can be healthy mentally and phisically.

My weblog

My main goal of establishing this weblog was primmerily providing a thorough biography of myself at which I could look some years later and in light of which I could study the developments of my mind , my spirit and my mentality years later , and I did stick to this ideal in the first few posts of mine ,but as time went by I felt more willing to share more than simply an authobiographical outline of mine , so I couldn't resist placing some of my innermost and private feelings at public display, my poems and my emotional English writings, this was very satisfying especially as I recieved heart warming emails and feedback from readers of a wide spectrum , and more importantly I feel I am creating some long lasting works which would for ever help me relate to the feelings I have had at the time of writing. As well as continuing to share my privacy with readers , from now on I will carry on with my biography which I intend to publish in a paperback before I die (seriously , I just hope by then people will be curious enough to know more about me) . It bugs me to be too busy to write, as has been the case in the last few weeks, , you won't believe it I am so involved with my writings that I sometimes come and read my previous writings to know myself better. It's me who writes and the real me is detectable nowhere but in my writings.
Take care

Being busy

I am very much used to being busy as there has probably not been a single day since I have started my social life in which I could laze freely without ever feeling guilty. believe it or not , to the day , I have never been as busy as I am these days . I feel I am involved with a full time speed race against the clock just to survive. It's too hard with too many things too do and too little time in my hand . fortunately , I have been very lucky recently with much success at my lessons to my delight . yet I miss those days when I could sleep in the evening.
There has not been any area of my life left unaffected since beeing busy is stretching me to the limits.

Others

Sometimes I feel I am about to break under the heavy load of love others have for me , I feel I am not strong enough to withstand this much admiration and purity , and I doubt if I would love me this much , were I to be others . It frightens me to find out there are people who have feelings for me that I can't even remotely guess.
It's a world of wondres , how am I supposed to respond to all this kindness , What if I break some one's heart unknowingly . I dread to think about how hard a responsibelity I have been entrusted with and how paintaking a task it is to know others' feelings without feeling entitled to reject them .
There is one thing I know for real which is you have to be great to fall in love regardless of whom you love or how he/she reacts since falling in love demands real selflessness , forgetting yourself and putting someone before you .
Whoever you are and where ever you are now that you are reading this post , be proud of yourself if you love someone or if you have once loved someone even if you have not been loved back because you have reached a point where only humans are able to reach.

Pride

A lot of times people say that part of the respect they have for me is because I am not proud , yet some might think differently. quite honestly , I should respond "If I am not proud it's not that I'm being modest ,it's that I have ,in fact,nothing to be proud of" . that's what I feel every passing second , it gives me a pleasant surprise to see people considering me sucsessful as I CAN'T SEE WHY .There is nothing funnier to me than the concept of pride , specially when I come to imagine myself as one who is entitled to be proud despite having nothing. Then I have this loud reapeted voice calling in my ears reminding me of how small I am in the context of my surroundings. I have still not acheived a tenth of the ambitions I have long lived with . Every day I come to find out how difficult a path I have to go and how little distance I have sofar gone. today I was frustrated to see how much there was to learn and how little I knew.

Last night , 11:30

A friend called me yesterday evenening , insisting he had to talk to me about something and I had a bunch of things to do , I sorted everything out and managed to go out with him late just before midnight , he was elated as he had finnaly poped the question and the girl concerned had replied with an affirmative smile . They are now dating , but they seriously have marriage in mind . Among the concessions the girl had made was her having promised to marry someone else , a friend of some years , but she had hastened to add she would personally go for my friend as he was a better option. My friend had reacted to this concession very mildly.
M was getting consultation from me last night , I was happy to see my friend in such a mood . however , somewhere in the back of my mind , I had something eating me . I couldn’t help thinking about the other angel of this love triangel .
A simple boy who had long made emotional investments on someone who would this simply turn away from him , this bothering was worsened when some memories of mine from three years ago were evoked , someone like that girl leaving me for the same reson. I thought of an established pattern of betrayal ,how some people find it easy to turn a blind eye on all the loveword exchange and good memories they share in the hope of clutching a better husband . I was stunned by how simple an act betrayal has become in some people’s minds and how rediculously they would try to forget . Then 3 years ago, I had a very hard time living through that horrible experience , which thank God I can laugh at now , remembering how little I was made to feel despite the grandeur I was thought to have makes me feel sorry for the boy in my friends story.
I personally have no hard feelings from then now , as life had a better course to take for me and things lightened up , it’s along time , but I still wonder why should some people suddenly go out of their minds to give away a world of memories in return for a husband , to whom they usually have to lie with regards to their previous love story . Mysteriously I have seen many girls in my life who follwed this same pattern of betrayal and were faced with massive regret , unsucseessful to continue with the second boy , wishing to make a come back when they had reached apoint of no return . In my story the same happend after 2 years , and I had no way but to reject her helpless invitations for the recommence of our romance as , to me , she was no more anything close to admirable.That's the rule , you can't break some one's heart like that and get away with it.
I wonder how week some people can get , those who can’t even keep a promise properly , those who would need the slightest temptation to go back on their words. To me the word commitment has always carried a lot of weight . I have had other experiences of emotional break ups aswell , but believe me, there is nothing as bitter as knowing your partner leaves you for some one else , even if she does and you don't know it , it's an improvement.
Putting all these aside , lovers do things to eachother , I believe if they continue loving eachother or living with each other , it’s not that they have forgotten all those things . they might always remember them but it’s that they have forgiven each other.
It takes alot to forgive

What remains of a gone year

Finally the year 1386 is on the point of coming to an end , not many minutes later , today and this year will simply join a part of our brain reserved for memories of last year . Since childhood I have always been interested in starting , this desire in my childhood derived me to resort to any course of action to have my notebooks finished as soon as I could , for example , so that I could start a new notebook to suit my taste. . funnily ,every year in Norooz I have that vey same childish excitement since I view it as an opportunity I have been provided with to recommence arranging my life the way I desire . I feel the blacklist of my heart is so full of things and people that I would not be able to continue unless a break is given. Before I talk about the year to come , I invite you to accompany me as I explore the gone year of my life . They are few memories I intend to keep from this chapter of my life and I will throw the rest in the sea of oblivion. It got off to a very nice start with dream-like happiness and a heart beating for tomorrow , I had a lot of goals in mind , all of which except one are fortunately achieved now. But the fun was spoiled and apart from the first some months , the first half of the year for me will always be associated with long lonely elastic tearful sad hours , waking nights and worst of all a sudden burst of the bubble of my long thought -of dreams. I dare to say I was emotionally devastated and I have in mind from then my worst romantic experiences with much suffering , disrespect and insult. The first half ended in despair to an extent that I started doubting myself , the world , and every other good thing around. Luckily , things were not to last like that ,as God had better days for me in store which I attribute personally to my brave demonstration of patience , love and loyalty in the first half as despite having every chance to selfishly indulge myself I remained faithful to my ideals . It was not unrewarded , a real magical half was to follow , I could feel God whom I had abandoned for many years . Then came a flow of God's gifts to me , each of which enhanced my life in one manner . At the same time my dad , against all the odds , had a successful surgery which doubled the beauty of my life, I regained my faith in life and the mesmerizing splendor of world ,I started thinking more and more , I helped people even at the cost of having a hard time myself and above all I trusted people more than ever . In the hindsight I am even grateful to God for all the hard moments I experienced in the beginning . All these have made the second half of the year for me by far the most enjoyable and eye opening section of the book of my life so far. And now this year , as ambitious as ever I will set the boat of my tomorrow afloat with my eyes fixed on the horizon ,confident that the waves and the artistic hand of fate alongside with my persistence and good nature will lead me where I have always wanted to end up .I will see you next year , I hope you have chosen your route as well.

یکشنبه ، بیست ُ ششم اسفند( چهار روز تا بهار) نیما

چشمای خیس بی قرار
دلهره های انتظار
آخه تو این حال و هوا
بهار می خواد بیاد چیکار؟
شگفتن شکوفه ها
تو باغچه ی زندون ما
مهمونی پرستوها
به سفره ی بی نون ما
حسرت یک خنده سیر
رو لب مردم فقیر
زجه تلخ مردما
خیلی شده نخندیدن
مردم لخت بی نوا
بهار تو این حال و هوا
صفا نداره به خدا
....
....
...

حجوم ابرای سیاه
تو آسمون بی فروغ
پرسه ی باد هرزه گرد
توی خیابون شلوغ
به من نگین بهار میاد
خسته شدم از این دروغ

Apology

I acknowledge the fact that I have been particularly inactive regarding my weblog througout the last week, and I give my readers every right to complain as I know how frustrating it is , having experienced it myself , to log on to a blog several times just to find out that it has not changed the least bit. I am sorry , I have had a very busy week which I expect to last for afew other days . I can feel first hand how my poetic sense and my willingness to share is crippled by the daily routine , and mostly money oriented , tasks that I have to go through every day and how it's nourished by simply spending some hours on what I find geniunely pleasurable and constructive.
I will be back during the hoilays alot more often , I hope you will have a good vacation.
I have a lot of programs like the last three years , to me Norooz means a lot as it gives me some space for my folded feelings and ambitions to be unfolded to their original size .
I will catch up with you any time soon

خدا هنوز پیر نشده

خدا بخواد ، امروزُ فردا می کنم
تو صحنه ی رقص چشمات
ولوله بر پا می کنم
میام و دستات پر از گلهای زیبا می کنم
فکری واسه غصه های این دل تنها می کنم
خودم رو با دوزُ کلک
توی دلت جا می کنم
خدا بخواد ، مال منی
برام از احساست بخون
تو خلوت تنهاییام
خدام نخواد ، باهام بمون
.
.
.
خدا خودش خوب می دونه
تو قلب ما چی می گذره
قلب خدای مهربون
از آدماش بزرگتره
خدا هنوز پیر نشده
این همه سال گذشته وُ
از عاشقی سیر نشده
ضربان قلب من هنوز
نشونه ی وجودمِ
خوب میدونی فدات بشم
عاشقی تار ُ پودم
وقتی که تندتر می تپه
یعنی دلم تو رو می خواد
یعنی تموم زندگیم
بدون تو می ره به باد
.
صبور باشیم ، خدا بخواد
روزایِ خوبمون میاد
فقط اگه خدا بخواد
دلامونُ می کنه شاد
.
.
.
حتی اگه خدام نخواد
میدونی که تورو می خوام
اگه شده تا آخرش
خودم باهات تنها میام

نیما نصرالهی

inspiration

Newly , I feel bizzarly inspired at nights to put pen to paper , to let the ball pen roll on the paper revealing whatever secrets it has kept in heart. I feel responsible to take any steps I afford to so as to spread the joy I have been divinely enthrusted with. Call me a superstitious freak , but I can feel why there is suddenly a lot of light directed to render my life meaningful , it's nothing but the patience I have practiced during a period before and the suffering I HAVE FELT TO THE BONE. I think a particularly delightful period of one's life comes only after he has been good despite all the chance he has had not to be. For me whenever I feel deserted by my dearest and nearest , whenever I feel I have fallen from the mountain of my acheivements into the dark valley of oblivion , whenever I get suddenly disillusioned as my whole dreams of some year burst like a buble before my unbelieving eyes , comes a time for limitless scerenity , calmness and endless comfort , a time in which I blossom more than I had in the previous ten years . these days of mine are such days that's why by writing I am sharing my positive feelings with my readers. I will be a fool to forget yesterday because of which , I believe , I have been given today .It's an undisputable rule of life . You get out of life what you have put into it , so I intend to keep living for others . I take care of others ,forgetting myself , I am sure I will be taken care of .

What a pick

It's around two o'clock , like ever I'm on top of a bunk bed in my dormitory with the curtains drawn , I have just allowed myself an inch to still have a view of the opposit bed on which lies a treasure . I gently wipe the adventurous teardrop which has started its slide from the corner of my left eye . It's dark , I provide myself with enough light by my mobile phone which is my sole companion in times of sleep . Tonight was a particularly hard one , my dear Masoud , the treasure , was unwell . in fact I might still have to take him to hospital if his conditions worsen , and that's mainly why I have stayed awake . I am teribbly worried , so much that I can't bring myself to sleep inspite of all the tiredness my body has gathered throughout the day, His burning fever had blushed his face and his eyes were popping out of his face on which sweatdrops glistened before a friend brought some pills which could successfully , may be momentarily , ease his spain . He is ill with an odd desease whose origines are probably not even fully known by doctors , so he takes loads of medication which has considerably affected his movements . He had run out of medicine and consequently had an attack the day before yesterday and I had not been here , it broke my heart to hear it from friends. I am sometimes left to a very absurd sense of despair when I see how unfair life has been to such a person , some one who has a lot to teach me when it comes to selflessness and generosity . He has actually taken generosity to a whole new level as he gives a way despite having nothing. It's sad to see a person like him suffering hunger for days on end , it was annoyingly bitter to find out he had had to sleep rough on the university campus those cold days of winter before beeing settled in the dorm. And all these things happen to HIM.
WHAT A PICK ? SOME ONE SHOULD SAY TO GOD

3:15 صبح روز یکشنبه
الان که این نوشته رو می نویسم ساعت 3:15 صبح روز یکشنبه است..
ایستگاه راه اهن تهران!
این موقع صبح تو یک شهر دیگه بازم چند تا اشنا دیدم
حس غریبی دارم!
شب خوبی بود.
یک خواب سنگین..........ولی کوتاه 4 ساعته
خیلی چسبید...
فکر می کنم تو این ساعت راه اهن شلوغ ترین جای تهران باشه
تضاد زیبای سکوت جاده های نمناک تهران با همهمه ی پر معنای ایستگاه....احساسمو قلقلک می ده!
صدای گوش خراش و تکراری پتک روی اهن به کسی اجازه ی خواب نمی ده .صدای اروم موسیقی پیش زمینه ی تلوزیون آدمای جور واجور و عجیب غریب.
برو بیا های غیر ضروری بوی سیگار بوی عطرصدای گریه ی بچه چهره های خواب الود چمدان های خیلی بزرگ و میون همه ی این ها صدای یک جیرجیرک تنها. یک لحظه مطمئن میشم تا حالا هیچ وقت اینجا نبودم از تجربه ی این حس مبهم وجودم لبریز از شوق میشه. شاید خیالاتی شده باشم!!!......................ولی خدا رو حس می کنم که تو گوشم میگه هنوز اول راهم
مامور راه اهن_مرد بزرگ جثه ای با موهای فرق وسط و کت و شلوار طوسی_ با زدن کلیدش روی صندلی ها
مردم رو از خواب بیدار می کنه
اینجای شهر خوابیدن هم ممنوعه . گویش ادم های دور و برم رو نمی فهمم
خوب که گوش می دم چند کلمه ای می فهمم
فکر کنم پسر کوچولو از باباش 200 تومن خواست اونم گفت : ندارم.
چشم ها مو به زحمت باز نگه میدارم می تونم از اینجاساعت 5 بزنم بیرون و برم کلاس
روز سختی پیشه رومه ولی مثل همیشه از دشواری ها استقبال می کنم........

ایستگاه راه اهن

اصطکاک خیس باران
با کف سرد خیابان
منو بیداری صبح
حجم اندوه فراوان
سبزیه خیس درختان
بوی نم در کوچه میدان
چشم من خواب الود
نفسم بی سامان
صبح زود و تن بی پیکر باد
شب من مانده هنوز خسته زین قصه ی شاد
پیکرم بی رمق است
استخوان شعرم

از بدی ها دمق است
منو خورشیدو طلوع و امروز
به غروبم نزدیک…….می روم تا فردا
تا شود باز جهانم تاریک
روح روز در تن این شهر شلوغ
شب خاموش تن روح من است
چشمه ی نور دلم….با خدا هم دشمن است
مسجد و صوت بلند قران

مردم گشنه ی در حسرت نان!
منو سیری و سکوت شکمم
من در این صبح شلوغ
تازه دیدم چه کمم…….
گریه ی مردم شهر
چشم من میسوزد
طفل در مانده ی بیمادرشهر
به کجا پس باید…….چشم ها را دوزد؟؟؟؟!!!

Jubilation

For some strange unknown reason , today I feel like a million dollars , once more I feel happy , I have a joyous sense of accomplishment deep down my heart , a very motivating sensation which tacitly tells me to hold on to my way as it has so far drawn me closer to where I have always wished to end up. I sometimes falter , get to the point of giving up , then again there is light at the end of the tunnel , and this time prosperity come backs to me tenfold. People ask me how I can feel constantly contented in spite of all the ups and downs my life undergoes. One main reason for this can be that I don’t owe my feeling of satisfaction to anyone or anything, things can momentarily perk me up , but it's the "me" inside for whom life is worth bothering to continue. I am blissful to be able to close my eyes and imagine anything I have taken from me and still feel damn good maybe because none of these are capable of cheering me up unless I feel I need to be happy , therefore rather logically one infers I can still feel good having all those good things subtracted from my life. You, who is reading this note, listen to your heart, can you hear it? It's so desperately trying to request you to love others and be good. Be sure it won't be long before you get the feedback.

My idol of love

This is a note for someone who dramatically enhanced my perspective of my surrounding world , someone whose kindness is beyond measure , whose heart of gold warms mine , someone who knows loving even better than I do . Someone who loves me unconditionally and I am sorry to have taken her feelings for granted . Someone without whom I could never image loving people again , someone who proved practically that love exists . I wrote this note because of my last week frictions with her . I have never felt this small in front of the grandeur of some one's true emotions.
Now it's my turn to prove wrong a theory every other partner of my life has shown to be right.
The theory that human beings , once they are loved , cast their skin of humanity and become the shabby ugly animal inside . Now it's me and someone who loves me more than a lot , I will now stand tall with my eyes open and my smile like ever on my face confident of a bright future , I am sure I won't let God down.

خدا کنه

خدا کنه که بعد از این
خدا خودش پیشم باشه
این آدمای لعنتی
خلوتم تنگ نکنن
نیان منو نازم کنن
فرداش باهام جنگ بکنن
از آدمای بی شعور
شعور من دردش میاد
این دل نازکم دیگه
از آدما بدش میاد

no comments

چشم های ناز دیشبت
چشم غره های امشبت
کاری نکن که بعد از این
خدام نیاد دور و برت
فرشته بودی یک روزی
تو خلوت زخمی من
ولی عزیز دل الان
برو و حرفی ام نزن
خاطره های بودنت برای من بسه نفس
من و یک بقچه خاطره
برای من همبن و بس
برو که چشمام بعد تو
جرات دیدن ندارن
تو دریای مواج عشق
دل پریدن ندارن
برو که قلبم بعد تو
میل رسیدن نداره
از این غمهای کاغذی
حس رهیدن نداره
برو خداحافظ عسل
خوب میدونی با رفتنت
زندگی زندون نمیشه
تو هم یکی مثل همه
کسی پشیمون نمیشه


نیما نصرالهی

Back

It's a long time I've not been around , well I'm back
Today , I intend to take you to another unlit corner of my life in the past . this time take care you won't cough as I uncover my heart by taking the veil of it which would almost certainly send a mass of dust in the air , by reading this you will respond to yet another unasked for invitation which would let you explore some of the nook and crannies of my romantic life . Don't be taken a back , I don't mean to share stories which do not entirely belong to me and make you drown in a deep ocean of sensation in which I have once swum , what I do want to do indeed is shed light on certain concepts and share with public the lessons I have taken as I was on the way to reaching where I am romantically now , I would call it romantic maturity.
Having been involved with romance during long periods of my life and having experienced first hand a great deal about opposite sex romance , I have found out one thing , which I have to admit to very matter- of- factly here . That is the magnetic nature of relationships which turns a relationship into a bitter game requiring ultimate levels of skill but takes the sweetness out of a love affair. Don't wonder what the magnetic thing was since I'll explain that later.
The way I view things, What guarantees the long term survival of a relationship is a balance between feelings and not a burning love , by that I mean the slightest inequality between how deeply partners feel for each other will take the relationship one step closer to its eventual breakdown however difficult it might be to imagine an end for it. So my advice to you , who is desperately trying to keep your love working is to think of striking a balance even if that means you have to love your sweetheart less as the amount of your love should match hers/his. Here comes that magnetic nature to justify this decision you should make and that is the unpleasant fact that as one pole of a magnet repels the other so would you repel your partner if you ever give them the impression that your love exceeds theirs . Difficult to believe, though if you carry out a two minute scan of your past you will easily spot signs of what I just explained in your own lives, that might partly be attributed to the natural sense of intimidation one gets when they feel they don't only belong to themselves , in other words we naturally don't like it if someone cares about us more than we do ourselves maybe it's freedom limiting , and may be and more probably it goes back to our heart which does not have enough capacity to harbor a feeling of such size when we are sure of the other side , actually as long as we are not fully sure of our partner's feeling , love is more like an exciting adventure we are dabbling in but once one person loves us deeply it gets the gray color of a probable addition of a responsibility and a commitment without the thrilling side of an adventure. And I think the extent of one person's love can be measured by the extent to which this person is ready to make sacrifices for the other. Therefore sometimes by making sacrifices you will make your partner tolerate a heavier weight of responsibility on their back which is itself a thing which can potentially make them consider escaping. It is also the invisible transference of a sense of superiority you might cause to the one you love by "overloving" them.
From what I can gather being loved is a very difficult task which not everyone is able to handle , I read somewhere it demands a level of perfection to tolerate somebody who loves you and ,I'd say, a more advanced level to love them back . people say love happens once , but I think on your part it can happen for as many times as they are days in your life , the important thing is that you can only be truly loved once , by someone who won't leave you so it's a chance not to be missed . it's an art to appreciate other people's feelings for you and be able to respond to them rather than escaping from them. If you have this art then you deserve love
Enjoy it and let it shed its shiny light on your life

Philosophy of life

We live in a world which is entirely open to suspicion ; there is not a single thing you can confidently accept and defend . I personally won’t overreact if some one questions the existence of God , Paradise , Hell , Angels and stuff of this sort as I consider it well within the realm of possibelities for them to exist or not. Still there is one thing I believe in for certain and that is a complicated invisible system of cause and result artistically governing our everyday lives above the natural found-by-science rules , name it energy , God or what you may find proper. it has been proved to me with certainity that what ever happens to me is an indirect reflection of my own previous actions . it frightens me at times when I am about to do something which might in a way hurt some one since I dread to visualise its potential consequences on my own life. I think it goes beyond actions covering our intentions too , to me the latter should even be more important. This very delicate system which I believe operates with unimaginable percission affects our lives horrifyingly . What strikes me the most is the exact and proportionate extent to which actions resemble their consequences .
Call me superstitous but there is not a single thing you do remaining unresponded , I find it particularly functional when matters of heart are concerned which I attribute to the more or less similar nature of love accompanied by its chance of happening several times in a life-time which would result in some strikingly meaningful events_ you can still call them coincidences. Apart from being terrifying it’s extremley motivating to be well aware of the fact that by how you treat others today you are actually determining how your tommorow will turn out.
This way ,even the most precize calculations of your actions would be insufficient as they fail to take into account the extent to which people’s feelings are affected.
No insistence to accept my words as I want to leave it open to your own judgement

کوچه

کوچه ی تاریک و تنهای بی عبور ، آغشته به سکوت دلنشین شب معطر به حزن دلهره آور پاییز ، دست چروکیده ی تیره رنگ کم مویی به دیوارآجری تکیه داده شده است ، ساعت مچی قدیمی شبرنگ روی آن نیمه شب را نشان میدهد . کت و شلوار ساده ی سیاه رنگ خاک آلود دروزش ملایم باد آزادانه به احتزاز در می آید . موهای نرم خاکستری رنگ پیرمرد بر فراز پیشانی بلندش می رقصد . پیرمرد چند قدم از نور باریکه چراغ که از شکاف در خانه سنگ نما میهمان ناخوانده کوچه است فاصله دارد . چشمهایش محو تماشای هلال باریک ماه است ، چشمهایش را از ماه بر نمی دارد ، لبخندی مبهم و نامانوس که گویی برصورت غریبش ریشه دوانده است از زیبایی شگفت انگیز ماه خبر می آورد . چند قدم آنطرفتر ، پشت پنجره ی طبقه دوم خانه سنگ نما دختر سفید چهره ای پرده را کنار زده صورتش را به شیشه پنجره چسبانده ، چشمان درشت وترش ماه را زیر نظر دارند ، ماه سفید خوشبختی که سنگدلانه و بخیلانه خوشبختی اش را تا آن روز از دخترک ظریف انذام دریغ کرده بود ، موهای بلندش تاریکی شب را به سخره می گیرد . باد شدت می گیرد ، ابرهای اشغالگر ماه را می پوشانند ماه دیگر نفس نمی کشد ابرها آسمان را به تسخیر خود در آوده اند ، اما پیرمرد همچنان لبخندی از همان جنس بر لب دارد و کنجکاوانه با چشم های قهوه ای بی رمقش مسیر عبور ابرها را دنبال می کند گویی از ابتدا نیز به ماه نمی خندید. دخترک خیلی غمگین است ماهی را که با زیبایی خود او را به پشت پنجره کشیده بود از او گرفته اند . نگاه دخترک به درون اتاق منحرف می شود ، گرمای وسوسه انگیز تختخواب هم برایش جزابیتی ندارد. اشک ها با شتاب بیشتری گونه هایش را طی می کنند. هوا سرد است باد شدت می گیرد ، پیرمرد به پشت به دیوار تکیه میکند و غرق لذت گرمای آشنایی دوباره دستهایش می شود . قطره ی سرگردانی را احساس می کند که به نرمی به گونه اش فرود می آید . بوی باران در کوچه پیچیده است ، باران شدت می گیرد و به لبخند پیرمرد عمق می بخشد. دخترک دستانش را در توده ی انبوه موهای پر کلاغی اش فرو می کند و آسمان را با صدای بلند همراهی می کند ،در نظرش آسمان مرثیه خوان دل گرفته اش شده است و اما پیر مرد ، خیس و لرزان، با صدای بلند می خندد مشعوف ازپیوند زیبای آسمان و زمین و جشن بزرگی که گویی مدتها در انتظارش بوده

bitter moon

It was over ten minutes ago , for me it won't be over any time soon, though . I have never felt this geniunely excited before in my entire life , it was way beyond my expectations of a movie , it gave me such a fresh feeling , some pure pleasure which seems to be lasting more than the effect of a normal movie typically does. It's 1:20 at night , I am drained , utterly exausted , I can hardly keep my eyes open , but I can't help writing about the feeling which has rather unexpectedly been transfered to me in this big scale . I feel I now , after watching the movie , view love slightly differently . I reccomand you , who is reading this post , to go get the movie as immediately as poosible with no shred of hesitation , an awsome splendidly-produced movie called "bitter moon" ; It's not a new movie , even if you have watched I endorse it , It's definitely worse watching many times and I intend to do it myself. I feel like some where in my subconcious I had been waiting for this movie for years in other words the whole movie industry would have been a big disappointment if this movie didn't exist.
watch it and judge it for yourself . what made ME fall for it was the amazing change of attitude towards the charecters I went through as the movie unfolded . It narrates in a different tune of voice what it means to be in love and how natural it is for you to torture the one who loves you , I was struck by how beautifuuly and sophisticatedly one might view the world , to be pasased it and have no more things to worry about.
watch it I am sure it will leave a long lasting impression on you too if only you watch it the way I did!

my wishes

Sick and tired of unkindness, meanness, jealousy I desperately wish I had a never-ending bunch of flowers in hand out of which I could offer every passer-by a nice fresh smelling red rose, I wish I could make every man on the planet feel special.
if I could I would not let anyone die without experiencing being madly loved; I wish I had the chance , even if for seconds , to die for as many times as they are humans on the earth to prove them they are worthy of love to this enormous extent , they are worthy of someone dying for them.
I wish people wouldn’t label me mad if I approached them in the street indiscriminately, if I looked into their eyes , cried and shouted in their faces
“I was born to make you happy”
I wish I was really born just to make total strangers happy even if that meant I had to lose my own happiness.
I would still want to cheer people up even if I had to suffer their hardship in return , if only I could see them smile, hardship is sweeter than sugar.
Whenever a really bad thing happens in my life I stand up and thank God that it’s me for whom this has happened and no one else , because I know I can stand it , I know.

what has been haunting me sice 8 o'clock

I was watching a short video on my bro’s cell phone some hours ago which depicted the execution of some criminals. I saw the shaking men standing in execution line waiting for their lives to come to an end. The former hardened criminals had a childlike innocence in their faces combined with the fear of unknown and a sadness which smelt of a loss. I watched as the rope was fastened around their bony necks above which I could notice their thumping pulses , I guess their hearts were also trying to beat for as many times as possible before they had to stop forever .then came the ultimate dance of their bodies in the air in a context of colorful sunrays. What to many was an obscene heart-breaking scene to me was a glamorous goodbye party.
I wished some where in the bottom of my heart I had been in their place. I so badly long for the feeling one has seconds before they depart this life. Should you laugh at how ridiculous your short visit was to the world of selfish insane humans , should you worry about the a future which might not exist at all or should you lament for a lost past which is over , a past which passed in a flash. Had I been in their shoes , I would have adored every remaining second of my life , which derived its value out of its dearth.
I am ready to tolerate that deadly pain the rope would inflict on my neck to enjoy a visual illusion which would make me see the cheap plastic of life as pure gold.
That’s when I can feel mortal , I can feel I am ending
An end or a start ? who knows?

گیر کرده ام

در تضاد خاکستری غیر عقلایی خوب و بد گیر کرده ام, در میان ملامت هر نفسم که مرا ز بودن بر حذر می دارد و شوق رسیدن به آنچه در مخیله دارم گیر کرده ام. هر لحظه اندکی بیش در مرداب تردید فرو میروم , مرداب حریصی که مرا جسورانه در خود میبلعد.زشتی های دور و برم زشتی های بی معنای پلاسیده ای که جایی برای وجودشان در دل پر شوق رسیدنم احساس نمی کنم مرا از نگاه به آبی لرزان آینده ی خوش منظر باز میدارند , گویی نمی توانم از کنار امواج خروشانی که مرا به کمک می خوانند و قصد دارند مرا در خود غرق کنند بی تفاوت بگذرم
دودلم , گیر کرده ام دل و عقلم مرا به دو منزلگاه متضاد می کشانند, دوده های سیاه و گردوخاک معلق در فضای اطرافم پاهایم را سست میکنند , انگار میخواهند مرا به غلطیدن در خاک وادارند هر چند هنوز چشمهایم به آسمان دوخته شده است.
تشویش و دلهره مرا به لبه پرتگاه ذلت و سقوط انسان به حیوان نزدیک می کند, هر چند تا قله ی خدا شدن چند قدمی بیش نمانده لرزشهای پلک روحم را حس می کنم که مرا تا خواب همراهی می کنند وزمزمه های دلنشین فریادهای از جنس خوابم در گوش های سنگینم جز پریشان خاطری چیزی به ارمغان نمی آورد
پلک هایم سنگینند زبانم نمیچرخد, قلمم نمی نویسد دلم گرفته است راه فراری نیست گیر کرده ام
پاهایم می لرزند , لرزشی از جنس نامطلوب ضعف لرزشی که بوی کهنگی میدهد
زمین خوردن من در چند قدمی مقصد غم باره ایست که ذهن پریشانم راآشفته تر می کند چشم های خشکم به دریای پر از آب می نگرند و پاهای بی رمقم جز به در هم شکستنم نمی اندیشند
در میان خودم و خودم گیر کرده ام
در میان خوب و بد

la beauté de la vie

Au nom de lieu
Ce ‘st la premier fois que j’écrie un billet Français , donc je suis tellement heureux, Pardonnez-moi pour les plusieurs erreurs que vous peut-être rencontrerez , il faut avouer ne pas savoir cette langue très bien encore .Il peut être utile a plus d’un titre, particulièrement je peut avoir plus de lectures. Mais Surtouts, c’est un bon exercice pour écrivez. Ailleurs, mes idéales peuvent être transféré plus facilement. Comme apurant, comme je suis assis on face de l’ordinateur et en train de penser a ma vie, qui a déjà me plait ,et a la recherche de quelques informations en internet à propos de mes études je lisais un blogue d’une amie , j’ai vu ce phrase magnifique “ la vie est comme un boit du chocolat “ il m’a forcé a réfléchir. je pense personnellement que c’est un phrase touchant mais pas nécessairement toujours vrai . Étrangement je trouve q’ une grande partie de Bonheur est a cause de les instants tristes, je veux dire il faut être triste pour comprendre la plaisir de sourire. C’est lors un période que vous passer loin de quelqu’un que vous vous mettez découvrir quels plaisirs étaient les temps que vous avez eu ensemble.

My childhood

My childhood did not get off to what I would call a magnificent start , or to be fair I don’t have many good memories of the first ten year of my life , after it , though , things lightened up and life came close to the way I now view it save for my today’s image for others , then I was good only when I looked at my life through my own little simplistic brown eyes , which was a great thing knowing that many people in their adulthood would not still taste self satisfaction the way I did then. I was very lazy with my lessons I mean I never did my homework in primary school . I have a clear impression of my mom staying nights awake doing my homework , neither was I a good student, my teachers were always punishing me and I still did not care . I myself never thought I was intelligent actually I thought the opposite and so did everyone else in my family , they never thought my intellectual capacity would allow me to continue my education .In the context of my family , in the extended sense , I was disrespected , taken for a fool and no better than mediocre. I always wondered how it was possible for my cute friends then to attract that much attention and be so much loved. the thing I love about this period was my very kind heart , I don’t remember a moment that I had the slightest amount of jealousy , I loved every one to an extent that it would be misused , mainly by my older brother . If he ever wanted anything in which I could be of any use , in particular if he needed a partner to play with , by the way I hated playing , he came to me and threatened he would hurt himself , often by putting his finger in the fan , if I wasn’t obedient . I never turned him down unable to imagine my brother’s finger hurt. I think I still have a dose of that good nature in me. In contrast with this dully uneventful and bitterly upsetting ten years , the second decade of my existence was marvelously pleasant . I learnt ,in this period , how I could savor the moment at the same time as standing out , How to never take things too seriously and still be amongst the best . I was never the very best , even then , in school but I was confident I could be , because I was not using a tenth of my resources. Seeing my friends pushing themselves to the limit and not scoring significantly better than the “ careless happy go lucky me” gave me a sense of self-worth. I was suddenly liked by people around me and I particularly enjoyed this new found popularity. When I was sitting on our school benches in my classes , there was always a fight between the two others to sit beside me that was why I always sat in the middle. I became very religious , funny was it that I sometimes thought I was the “ mahdi “ known as the time Imam and I wondered why my parents hadn’t named me appropriately . as I found more about life and its realities and people around me I distanced myself from religion little by little.

love

You haven't done much if you love back those who love you , the real art , which few are aware of , is loving those who hate you

It's 12:10 PM

Few minutes ago I got a text message from an old friend , a rather unsociable timid boy with whom I share tons of sweet memories. He was so upset , feeling down he had wanted to check if he could talk to me for some minutes . once more came a moment that I hated my placid teeth-exposing stupid grins , how can I laugh ignorantly when a person this close to my heart is immersed in some self-created deep swampy sadness . I feel deeply happy , what makes me every then and now swim up and pull myself out of this selfish pool of flecity and tolerate shivering as I stand out is the fear of drowning in the depth of my inner prosperity, I can't carry on laughing as I can see teardrops washing the faces of the people with whom I identify myself.
God give me the strengh to keep on loving people indiscriminately

Love

When you look back in time , you can always find people whom you once loved deeply but can't love anymore
but you don't have to hate them forever

selflessness

It was not until recently, when I entered dormitory five months ago , that I understood how selfishly I had been trying to seem sophisticatedly selfless . I had always claimed I had had the aim of letting my life center around people’s interest ,thought , I now understand in every single thing I did signs of self interest could be traced with very little difficulty. It was there that I learned things I never expected to learn, but now it seems to me I learned them from the right people in the right time and the right place. It sent a shiver, not of fear but of surprise, down my spine sometime at night when I felt a pillow being delicately tucked below my head the very first night I spent in my dorms. Only to wake up and see a total stranger ,now though to my delight a close friend ,had taken it from below his own head. It was there that I learned selflessness has to start from the simplest acts you do and messages you put out , although it’s difficult to turn a blind eye on your ego as it stares you in the face.
You know if all the people of the world are selfish they all have one person who cares deeply for them but imagine a world with selfless people, there every body has as many as there are in the world caring for him more than themselves and of course more than he himself does, there it’s easy to sacrifice yourself for the others safe in the knowledge that almost everyone else will do it when need be.

One of my poems

I don't regularly compose poems and when I do I don't share them with others
This one ,though, has been composed in response to a poem with the same oppening line someone once wrote for me , some one with a heart of gold , it deserved a reply

تو به زیبایی هر صبح که بر میخیزم
موجی از خنده و عشق میپاشی
تو به چشمان من خواب آلود
نور خوشرنگ سحر میبخشی
به سحر گاه من ناله کنان در سفری
گر چه از راز دلم بی خبری
تو که بودت همه از لطف خداست
نفس صبح من در بدری
تا سحر خواب تو را می بینم
و به زیبایی صبحی که در آن مال منی

غصه ها را ز دلم میچینم

composed by : Nima on Bahman 1st

A story of pain

My main goal of establishing this weblog was to spread joy and to share my surplus energy and enthusiasm with others , however, I will hate myself if I pass by people’s problems without even considering them worse a mention.
I consider myself a very lively and optimistic person with very few problems and obsessions typical of my class and age , I actually don’t care enough to bother myself thinking about matters which concern my likes. However , sometimes I see things which bruise my soul , annoy me to the bone , my spirit shakes uncontrollably , my heart-beat quickens , my eye pupils extend in size ,I sweat , become drained and void of enthusiasm to see the everyday beauties of life. One such time was last night , I haven’t recovered from it yet, I took a taxi , sat in the front beside this plain skinny dark-complexioned man in his thirties , his face awkwardly decorated with a thin moustache. The driver was a rather young good-looking man on whose face I could spot beads of sweat despite the very cold weather , his eyes nearly falling closed . As soon as they started talking I could feel the invisible flow of wounds landing on my soul. They talked of politics and social problems , manifesting a very simplistic yet rational understanding of politics and sociology , and finally of the hardship they had to go through everyday . Momentarily I was ashamed of myself for not sharing their difficulties. It was minutes before Midnight , the man beside me had just finished his second job . He hadn’t paid his rent ,he admitted, for two months . He earned little above what he had to hand to his landlord out of his two jobs . Talking of his little cute daughter whom he hadn’t seen awake for a weak and what ambitions he had nourished in mind before marrying the one he used to love but doesn’t afford to love any more formed tears in my eyes , I looked away not to let them notice I was interested to hear more . The driver’s story was as painful . Despite working hard he couldn’t meet the ends , claiming he had forgotten the taste of red meat . Likes of these people are not few around us and blithely unaware of their presence we keep obsessing over ridiculously abstract concerns . I am unbelievably happy I am not very rich , how could I otherwise look myself in the mirror .feels bitter to helplessly look around and have no bigger gift than a sigh to give .
Let’s do something please

It's said , most people will leave you if you so badly love them
maybe we are meant to lose things we love most, as some people say , or more probably people don't deserve love
I have never left any one because they loved me
this means, I suppose , I deserve love



...but wait a minute
Maybe I have never been truly loved , I have never been put to this test to see if I stand it or not

FRIEND OR FOE

I am so busy loving my friends that I have no time left to hate my enemies .
By the way , do I have any enemies?
Nomatter how long I think I don't find a person I can hate reasonably
So it's not only a matter of time

How I started being !

I was born on a splendidly colored , rather cold and windy yet an ordinary night in Fall roughly 22 years ago in Madar hospital ( Mashad) , to be exact on November 23d of 1985 , I thank any one responsible for giving me this chance , be it God or my parents. It should have been a very mysterious feeling then, I suppose I am pretty much used to it now , feeling my existence for the first time in a family of four. Second to my brother only after a year , I sometimes felt like an added burden on an already busy couple. My parents working conditions had us constantly moving from one city to another for my first years of life. They both worked, which meant I had little time to enjoy their companionship.
I remember this old woman, she was as ugly as she could , but kind like a mother , taking care of us when they were not in . A s a child I could never bring myself to love her. One thing which had until recently subconsciously bothered me about my childhood was my unfairly minimal share of pictures in our family album ; I had two or three pictures I think , Now ,though, I laugh at how childish a concern it had been. As a child I was never taken seriously, that can give me a clue why now I am so desperately trying to stand out. Not being taken seriously, at least how I viewed things then, made me effort doubly. If I am not jumping to a hasty conclusion I owe whatever I am proud of today to that “then perceived as bitter” period . On the other hand, I never lived like a child ; my mind was where big ambitions were being cooked . In a sentence: My childhood was spent dreaming of my adulthood maybe because I thought I would then attain what I deserved. However, I now feel the loss.