Others

Sometimes I feel I am about to break under the heavy load of love others have for me , I feel I am not strong enough to withstand this much admiration and purity , and I doubt if I would love me this much , were I to be others . It frightens me to find out there are people who have feelings for me that I can't even remotely guess.
It's a world of wondres , how am I supposed to respond to all this kindness , What if I break some one's heart unknowingly . I dread to think about how hard a responsibelity I have been entrusted with and how paintaking a task it is to know others' feelings without feeling entitled to reject them .
There is one thing I know for real which is you have to be great to fall in love regardless of whom you love or how he/she reacts since falling in love demands real selflessness , forgetting yourself and putting someone before you .
Whoever you are and where ever you are now that you are reading this post , be proud of yourself if you love someone or if you have once loved someone even if you have not been loved back because you have reached a point where only humans are able to reach.

Pride

A lot of times people say that part of the respect they have for me is because I am not proud , yet some might think differently. quite honestly , I should respond "If I am not proud it's not that I'm being modest ,it's that I have ,in fact,nothing to be proud of" . that's what I feel every passing second , it gives me a pleasant surprise to see people considering me sucsessful as I CAN'T SEE WHY .There is nothing funnier to me than the concept of pride , specially when I come to imagine myself as one who is entitled to be proud despite having nothing. Then I have this loud reapeted voice calling in my ears reminding me of how small I am in the context of my surroundings. I have still not acheived a tenth of the ambitions I have long lived with . Every day I come to find out how difficult a path I have to go and how little distance I have sofar gone. today I was frustrated to see how much there was to learn and how little I knew.

Last night , 11:30

A friend called me yesterday evenening , insisting he had to talk to me about something and I had a bunch of things to do , I sorted everything out and managed to go out with him late just before midnight , he was elated as he had finnaly poped the question and the girl concerned had replied with an affirmative smile . They are now dating , but they seriously have marriage in mind . Among the concessions the girl had made was her having promised to marry someone else , a friend of some years , but she had hastened to add she would personally go for my friend as he was a better option. My friend had reacted to this concession very mildly.
M was getting consultation from me last night , I was happy to see my friend in such a mood . however , somewhere in the back of my mind , I had something eating me . I couldn’t help thinking about the other angel of this love triangel .
A simple boy who had long made emotional investments on someone who would this simply turn away from him , this bothering was worsened when some memories of mine from three years ago were evoked , someone like that girl leaving me for the same reson. I thought of an established pattern of betrayal ,how some people find it easy to turn a blind eye on all the loveword exchange and good memories they share in the hope of clutching a better husband . I was stunned by how simple an act betrayal has become in some people’s minds and how rediculously they would try to forget . Then 3 years ago, I had a very hard time living through that horrible experience , which thank God I can laugh at now , remembering how little I was made to feel despite the grandeur I was thought to have makes me feel sorry for the boy in my friends story.
I personally have no hard feelings from then now , as life had a better course to take for me and things lightened up , it’s along time , but I still wonder why should some people suddenly go out of their minds to give away a world of memories in return for a husband , to whom they usually have to lie with regards to their previous love story . Mysteriously I have seen many girls in my life who follwed this same pattern of betrayal and were faced with massive regret , unsucseessful to continue with the second boy , wishing to make a come back when they had reached apoint of no return . In my story the same happend after 2 years , and I had no way but to reject her helpless invitations for the recommence of our romance as , to me , she was no more anything close to admirable.That's the rule , you can't break some one's heart like that and get away with it.
I wonder how week some people can get , those who can’t even keep a promise properly , those who would need the slightest temptation to go back on their words. To me the word commitment has always carried a lot of weight . I have had other experiences of emotional break ups aswell , but believe me, there is nothing as bitter as knowing your partner leaves you for some one else , even if she does and you don't know it , it's an improvement.
Putting all these aside , lovers do things to eachother , I believe if they continue loving eachother or living with each other , it’s not that they have forgotten all those things . they might always remember them but it’s that they have forgiven each other.
It takes alot to forgive

What remains of a gone year

Finally the year 1386 is on the point of coming to an end , not many minutes later , today and this year will simply join a part of our brain reserved for memories of last year . Since childhood I have always been interested in starting , this desire in my childhood derived me to resort to any course of action to have my notebooks finished as soon as I could , for example , so that I could start a new notebook to suit my taste. . funnily ,every year in Norooz I have that vey same childish excitement since I view it as an opportunity I have been provided with to recommence arranging my life the way I desire . I feel the blacklist of my heart is so full of things and people that I would not be able to continue unless a break is given. Before I talk about the year to come , I invite you to accompany me as I explore the gone year of my life . They are few memories I intend to keep from this chapter of my life and I will throw the rest in the sea of oblivion. It got off to a very nice start with dream-like happiness and a heart beating for tomorrow , I had a lot of goals in mind , all of which except one are fortunately achieved now. But the fun was spoiled and apart from the first some months , the first half of the year for me will always be associated with long lonely elastic tearful sad hours , waking nights and worst of all a sudden burst of the bubble of my long thought -of dreams. I dare to say I was emotionally devastated and I have in mind from then my worst romantic experiences with much suffering , disrespect and insult. The first half ended in despair to an extent that I started doubting myself , the world , and every other good thing around. Luckily , things were not to last like that ,as God had better days for me in store which I attribute personally to my brave demonstration of patience , love and loyalty in the first half as despite having every chance to selfishly indulge myself I remained faithful to my ideals . It was not unrewarded , a real magical half was to follow , I could feel God whom I had abandoned for many years . Then came a flow of God's gifts to me , each of which enhanced my life in one manner . At the same time my dad , against all the odds , had a successful surgery which doubled the beauty of my life, I regained my faith in life and the mesmerizing splendor of world ,I started thinking more and more , I helped people even at the cost of having a hard time myself and above all I trusted people more than ever . In the hindsight I am even grateful to God for all the hard moments I experienced in the beginning . All these have made the second half of the year for me by far the most enjoyable and eye opening section of the book of my life so far. And now this year , as ambitious as ever I will set the boat of my tomorrow afloat with my eyes fixed on the horizon ,confident that the waves and the artistic hand of fate alongside with my persistence and good nature will lead me where I have always wanted to end up .I will see you next year , I hope you have chosen your route as well.

یکشنبه ، بیست ُ ششم اسفند( چهار روز تا بهار) نیما

چشمای خیس بی قرار
دلهره های انتظار
آخه تو این حال و هوا
بهار می خواد بیاد چیکار؟
شگفتن شکوفه ها
تو باغچه ی زندون ما
مهمونی پرستوها
به سفره ی بی نون ما
حسرت یک خنده سیر
رو لب مردم فقیر
زجه تلخ مردما
خیلی شده نخندیدن
مردم لخت بی نوا
بهار تو این حال و هوا
صفا نداره به خدا
....
....
...

حجوم ابرای سیاه
تو آسمون بی فروغ
پرسه ی باد هرزه گرد
توی خیابون شلوغ
به من نگین بهار میاد
خسته شدم از این دروغ

Apology

I acknowledge the fact that I have been particularly inactive regarding my weblog througout the last week, and I give my readers every right to complain as I know how frustrating it is , having experienced it myself , to log on to a blog several times just to find out that it has not changed the least bit. I am sorry , I have had a very busy week which I expect to last for afew other days . I can feel first hand how my poetic sense and my willingness to share is crippled by the daily routine , and mostly money oriented , tasks that I have to go through every day and how it's nourished by simply spending some hours on what I find geniunely pleasurable and constructive.
I will be back during the hoilays alot more often , I hope you will have a good vacation.
I have a lot of programs like the last three years , to me Norooz means a lot as it gives me some space for my folded feelings and ambitions to be unfolded to their original size .
I will catch up with you any time soon

خدا هنوز پیر نشده

خدا بخواد ، امروزُ فردا می کنم
تو صحنه ی رقص چشمات
ولوله بر پا می کنم
میام و دستات پر از گلهای زیبا می کنم
فکری واسه غصه های این دل تنها می کنم
خودم رو با دوزُ کلک
توی دلت جا می کنم
خدا بخواد ، مال منی
برام از احساست بخون
تو خلوت تنهاییام
خدام نخواد ، باهام بمون
.
.
.
خدا خودش خوب می دونه
تو قلب ما چی می گذره
قلب خدای مهربون
از آدماش بزرگتره
خدا هنوز پیر نشده
این همه سال گذشته وُ
از عاشقی سیر نشده
ضربان قلب من هنوز
نشونه ی وجودمِ
خوب میدونی فدات بشم
عاشقی تار ُ پودم
وقتی که تندتر می تپه
یعنی دلم تو رو می خواد
یعنی تموم زندگیم
بدون تو می ره به باد
.
صبور باشیم ، خدا بخواد
روزایِ خوبمون میاد
فقط اگه خدا بخواد
دلامونُ می کنه شاد
.
.
.
حتی اگه خدام نخواد
میدونی که تورو می خوام
اگه شده تا آخرش
خودم باهات تنها میام

نیما نصرالهی

inspiration

Newly , I feel bizzarly inspired at nights to put pen to paper , to let the ball pen roll on the paper revealing whatever secrets it has kept in heart. I feel responsible to take any steps I afford to so as to spread the joy I have been divinely enthrusted with. Call me a superstitious freak , but I can feel why there is suddenly a lot of light directed to render my life meaningful , it's nothing but the patience I have practiced during a period before and the suffering I HAVE FELT TO THE BONE. I think a particularly delightful period of one's life comes only after he has been good despite all the chance he has had not to be. For me whenever I feel deserted by my dearest and nearest , whenever I feel I have fallen from the mountain of my acheivements into the dark valley of oblivion , whenever I get suddenly disillusioned as my whole dreams of some year burst like a buble before my unbelieving eyes , comes a time for limitless scerenity , calmness and endless comfort , a time in which I blossom more than I had in the previous ten years . these days of mine are such days that's why by writing I am sharing my positive feelings with my readers. I will be a fool to forget yesterday because of which , I believe , I have been given today .It's an undisputable rule of life . You get out of life what you have put into it , so I intend to keep living for others . I take care of others ,forgetting myself , I am sure I will be taken care of .

What a pick

It's around two o'clock , like ever I'm on top of a bunk bed in my dormitory with the curtains drawn , I have just allowed myself an inch to still have a view of the opposit bed on which lies a treasure . I gently wipe the adventurous teardrop which has started its slide from the corner of my left eye . It's dark , I provide myself with enough light by my mobile phone which is my sole companion in times of sleep . Tonight was a particularly hard one , my dear Masoud , the treasure , was unwell . in fact I might still have to take him to hospital if his conditions worsen , and that's mainly why I have stayed awake . I am teribbly worried , so much that I can't bring myself to sleep inspite of all the tiredness my body has gathered throughout the day, His burning fever had blushed his face and his eyes were popping out of his face on which sweatdrops glistened before a friend brought some pills which could successfully , may be momentarily , ease his spain . He is ill with an odd desease whose origines are probably not even fully known by doctors , so he takes loads of medication which has considerably affected his movements . He had run out of medicine and consequently had an attack the day before yesterday and I had not been here , it broke my heart to hear it from friends. I am sometimes left to a very absurd sense of despair when I see how unfair life has been to such a person , some one who has a lot to teach me when it comes to selflessness and generosity . He has actually taken generosity to a whole new level as he gives a way despite having nothing. It's sad to see a person like him suffering hunger for days on end , it was annoyingly bitter to find out he had had to sleep rough on the university campus those cold days of winter before beeing settled in the dorm. And all these things happen to HIM.
WHAT A PICK ? SOME ONE SHOULD SAY TO GOD

3:15 صبح روز یکشنبه
الان که این نوشته رو می نویسم ساعت 3:15 صبح روز یکشنبه است..
ایستگاه راه اهن تهران!
این موقع صبح تو یک شهر دیگه بازم چند تا اشنا دیدم
حس غریبی دارم!
شب خوبی بود.
یک خواب سنگین..........ولی کوتاه 4 ساعته
خیلی چسبید...
فکر می کنم تو این ساعت راه اهن شلوغ ترین جای تهران باشه
تضاد زیبای سکوت جاده های نمناک تهران با همهمه ی پر معنای ایستگاه....احساسمو قلقلک می ده!
صدای گوش خراش و تکراری پتک روی اهن به کسی اجازه ی خواب نمی ده .صدای اروم موسیقی پیش زمینه ی تلوزیون آدمای جور واجور و عجیب غریب.
برو بیا های غیر ضروری بوی سیگار بوی عطرصدای گریه ی بچه چهره های خواب الود چمدان های خیلی بزرگ و میون همه ی این ها صدای یک جیرجیرک تنها. یک لحظه مطمئن میشم تا حالا هیچ وقت اینجا نبودم از تجربه ی این حس مبهم وجودم لبریز از شوق میشه. شاید خیالاتی شده باشم!!!......................ولی خدا رو حس می کنم که تو گوشم میگه هنوز اول راهم
مامور راه اهن_مرد بزرگ جثه ای با موهای فرق وسط و کت و شلوار طوسی_ با زدن کلیدش روی صندلی ها
مردم رو از خواب بیدار می کنه
اینجای شهر خوابیدن هم ممنوعه . گویش ادم های دور و برم رو نمی فهمم
خوب که گوش می دم چند کلمه ای می فهمم
فکر کنم پسر کوچولو از باباش 200 تومن خواست اونم گفت : ندارم.
چشم ها مو به زحمت باز نگه میدارم می تونم از اینجاساعت 5 بزنم بیرون و برم کلاس
روز سختی پیشه رومه ولی مثل همیشه از دشواری ها استقبال می کنم........

ایستگاه راه اهن

اصطکاک خیس باران
با کف سرد خیابان
منو بیداری صبح
حجم اندوه فراوان
سبزیه خیس درختان
بوی نم در کوچه میدان
چشم من خواب الود
نفسم بی سامان
صبح زود و تن بی پیکر باد
شب من مانده هنوز خسته زین قصه ی شاد
پیکرم بی رمق است
استخوان شعرم

از بدی ها دمق است
منو خورشیدو طلوع و امروز
به غروبم نزدیک…….می روم تا فردا
تا شود باز جهانم تاریک
روح روز در تن این شهر شلوغ
شب خاموش تن روح من است
چشمه ی نور دلم….با خدا هم دشمن است
مسجد و صوت بلند قران

مردم گشنه ی در حسرت نان!
منو سیری و سکوت شکمم
من در این صبح شلوغ
تازه دیدم چه کمم…….
گریه ی مردم شهر
چشم من میسوزد
طفل در مانده ی بیمادرشهر
به کجا پس باید…….چشم ها را دوزد؟؟؟؟!!!