I am sorry to tell the truth

I wish there was a God who could embody in something physical so that I could embrace him passionately , kiss him and thank him for all his unfairness , injustice , discriminatory behavior , inequality , toughtlessness and cruelty.
How much more will I bear to watch the least justifiable things occur around me and not utter a word ? I hope some thing will happen to change my mindset as with what I have in mind at the moment of writing nothing but an illogically cold ambivelace accompanies me when I talk to God.
Sunday night when I thought everything was ready to create an ever lasting memory of joy in my mind what I feared most happened . I was back to the dorm at 10 , not many minutes had passed before some one came to inform us that my room mate wasn't well . The elastically long moments of that night started from then on with our rush to the bathroonm where he had had a nervous attack and was thrown motionless. I don't remember much but my running to call the ambulance and my understanding that there was not one available and my friend's deafenning shrieks of pain piercing my soul since he was suffering from injuries in many parts of his body . long hours in the hospital followed with my having a wonder in mind "why should this happen to one who never hurts any one ?"
To our surprise the hospital did not even have one single moveable bed in its emergency room so we had to wrap him in a blanket which caused enormous discomfort for his burnt body . There were six other girls and boys from Beheshty university dormitory most of whom had food poisoning , I bet after eating the dornitory food.
People shouting , sight of bood and a hunky young doctor running around like a headless chiken , the hospital , Taleghani hospital in Tehran ,was evidently short-staffed . I could see people who were about to die helplessly crying for help while the elaborate yet absurd religous slogans painted tastefully on the walls could not come to their help. It turned out that my friend had not taken his pills which was only because he had not had enough money to provide them.
The first scene of God's play of injustice lasted until three o'clock . At eight university officials came to evict my newly recovered friend since he had not paid his dormitory bill.
Even worst was to follow for Masood , whose kindness is immeasurable and whose heart is big enough to accomodate aworld . On Monday I had to leave Tehran ; being dreadfully worried I called my other friend on the train to find out Msood's body had been discovered unconcious somewhere in Tehran and was in another hospital .

A little slice of my life

If you open the book of my life , you stand little chance of accidently turning to this page so I browse through the book and start reading you this chapter which is charectrised by the commencement of my social life ; I mean the very first time I came into some natural contact with people who did not bear any blood ties with me . I guess I was 5 years old when I was decided to be taken to kindergarton , what was fortunate was that it was in the same building where my brother was doing his pre-school year. I remember giving all teachers a hell by wanting to be stuck to my bro despite being in a different class. The days typically started with my mum pulling me out of the back seat legroom of the car ,my hideaway , with the aid of teachers and the school receptionist while I kept screaming as loud as I could resembling a lamb which was being taken to be slaughtered . It continued with my crying for some hours begging to be in my bro's class until I had the teachers giving in , and ultimately some one came to collect us both.
At home my brother who had for years been an enemy of mine was starting to develop an emotional relationship with me , yet we still frequently fought . Whenever I think of my then self now I unexeptionaly come to understand I was an anti-social idiot. My pre-school year wasm't that bad , I was for the first time making friends , I was then a quiet goody goody who never did anything troublesome save for once , it was a night when I almost got run over by a police car , as a result of which I recieved a slap on my face from my my grand dad who was then strong enough to punish a 5 year old grandchild. In response to people's interogation as to why I had sudenly run in the middle of the sreet , I responded with childlike simplicity and innocence " I wanted to see what the bottom of the car looked like" . Years went by as quickly as they do these days till I was old enough to go to school which as everybody expected didn't get off to a smooth start . A crying boy who wouldn't consent to staying in the class without his mum. What struck me was how other students had been duped into comming to the class alone . The first time I saw my teacher I kicked her . However, It wasn't long before I had a liking for her , a plumb ever smiling middle aged woman.
I was never a good student at school . I never listened well in the classes , and I never got the attention I was starving for in enough quantity , which helped me grow bigger and stronger as I came to find out that I had to fight for attention , I had to be the best .
I was then incapable of achieving this goal but harbored the desire for many more years till I could in fact be the best , no fewer than 12 years after.I was always waiting to grow up to display my abilities since as a child I knew being good was out of reach for achild of my type .
I am sleepy now I'll continue from this point on later

wHAT IS CONSCIENCE?

Conscience _ Sounds familiar to you, doesn’t it?
Must have heard it somewhere
Don’t bother to think too much ; it’s what sends that frustrating dose of guilt straight to your mind to make you believe “ YOU ARE BAD” , what you need to struggle with for hours to be able to get some sound sleep at night , what drives you mad and leaves you with gloomy remorse. Why do we get conscience striken?
It is not the thing we do which is inherently bad that makes us feel guilty , but it’s the badness and negativity we attatch to it personally , as a result of this , I believe , the frequency of having a guilty conscience depends little on how good or bad you are , yet tells a lot about how vast a domain badness is in your mind. Therefore , people who feel bound by certain imposed principles (like a religion ) are far more likely to feel guilty since their logic , which is not self created , leads them to refrain from doing many things they have the need for. Not being successful to meet these demanding requirements they end up feeling bad about themselves. The more religious a person is , and of course the more devotely religious he is , the wider will the scope of badness be defined for him consequently the more the chance of a conflict to occur between the real life and his ideal and , in turn , the more likely a guilty conscience will be.
Take , for example, a deeply religious man who will feel guilty several times during the day cause he does simple acts ,however insignificant, which he thinks of as against his religion.
According to phsychologists , this is a very destructive feeling which leaves long lasting scratches on your mentality , in other words it heavily damages your sense of self respect as you won’t respect a you whom you believe does not live up to standards.
I don’t remember ever having this feeling of remorse and guilt . Does this mean I never do anything bad? _yes it does . What allows me to make this claim is the loose defintion of the term bad . What is bad ? I have tried to restrict the teritory of badness to entail no more than some inherently bad things which I could never imagine my self doing . this way I never do anything for which I should feel guilty and I do conciously effort not to do what I really term bad . There is nothing more comforting than having a clear conscience and it also contributes effectively to your mental well being.
So it will be helpful if you write your own religion and moral rules , and try to be good within the specified framework .for doing so you need to write the few things you consider bad and name it the red zone , the rest is the free zone which you can visit without being bad . you can now experience how it feels to be an angel without your life turning into a hell , you can enjoy yourself and not feel bad . most importantly you can be healthy mentally and phisically.

My weblog

My main goal of establishing this weblog was primmerily providing a thorough biography of myself at which I could look some years later and in light of which I could study the developments of my mind , my spirit and my mentality years later , and I did stick to this ideal in the first few posts of mine ,but as time went by I felt more willing to share more than simply an authobiographical outline of mine , so I couldn't resist placing some of my innermost and private feelings at public display, my poems and my emotional English writings, this was very satisfying especially as I recieved heart warming emails and feedback from readers of a wide spectrum , and more importantly I feel I am creating some long lasting works which would for ever help me relate to the feelings I have had at the time of writing. As well as continuing to share my privacy with readers , from now on I will carry on with my biography which I intend to publish in a paperback before I die (seriously , I just hope by then people will be curious enough to know more about me) . It bugs me to be too busy to write, as has been the case in the last few weeks, , you won't believe it I am so involved with my writings that I sometimes come and read my previous writings to know myself better. It's me who writes and the real me is detectable nowhere but in my writings.
Take care

Being busy

I am very much used to being busy as there has probably not been a single day since I have started my social life in which I could laze freely without ever feeling guilty. believe it or not , to the day , I have never been as busy as I am these days . I feel I am involved with a full time speed race against the clock just to survive. It's too hard with too many things too do and too little time in my hand . fortunately , I have been very lucky recently with much success at my lessons to my delight . yet I miss those days when I could sleep in the evening.
There has not been any area of my life left unaffected since beeing busy is stretching me to the limits.